I am drained & done.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break

I am drained & done.

I called my sister in-law last night and had a breakdown. I am freaking mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if hormones are the reasons I am feeling so crazy (I am guessing they are) but I have never felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in my life.

This mommy needs some chocolate and wine… ASAP

I knew that adjusting to life with a baby and work would be a difficult task, but I wasn’t prepared for just how hard everything is. I am finding myself struggling to get everything done in a day (story of EVERY mom’s life, I know). I can’t work, take care of the house stuff (my husband does help), make/ plan dinner, take care of Buddy, make sure I have enough time with Buddy, make sure my ADHD stepdaughter isn’t destroying my house and is getting enough attention, check her schoolbag/ homework and see all these freaking family members that are apparently mad at me because I never see them anymore.

I cannot do it all. I am not a freaking robot.

I just feel like so many people want and need so many things from me, and I cannot do it all. I know I can’t and I will have to get over it, but everyone else does too.

For example, I cannot be the only one responsible for my stepdaughter. I am not making Valentines or making sure her school bag is packed every day. That is her parents job. Yes, I know I am a step parent but my job is to make sure she is happy and healthy. Her mother needs to step up and actually do this stuff. That is her freaking job. I am not a freaking nanny, and that is how I feel.I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break.

Which is why I quit. I am going to quit doing all of that stuff, along with watching her when my husband is at work. I can’t handle it right now. Things would be different if I didn’t commute 2 hours a day or if she didn’t have so many issues (she has ADHD and is very difficult to deal with because of lack of discipline at her mothers). Bottom line is she is a difficult child and my mental health is more important.

I also have family members that are apparently upset and think I am mad at them because I don’t see or call them as much as I used to. Uhm— I have a baby now. My life is totally different now. Not to mention, my life does NOT revolve around you I apologize. If you want to see me so badly, call me. I will try to answer but if I don’t, there is no need to be pissed off at me. It is ridiculous, do you really think that makes me want to see you more? OH and if you come over, bring food or clean something.

Then money.. ugh. Crap keeps coming up and I feel like I can’t breathe. Being on maternity leave and not having a normal income for 7 weeks sucked. Now we are trying to catch back up with the additional expenses of a baby such as formula, diapers and daycare. I mean I knew it was coming but getting caught back up is really hard and is stressing me out horribly.

I do enough.

I have enough.

I am enough.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break




The First Week After Maternity Leave

My little guy!

Well I have made it through an entire week of work. I don’t know how I did it but I survived. And let me tell you, it has been one of the longest weeks I have ever gone through.

I ended up being more ready for work than I thought I was and enjoyed the break. By the end of my leave I was so bored. I needed to be back around adults. I mean, conversations with a baby are a bit one sided.  I was also having issues with my anxiety. I was freaking out about how my first day back would go, if I would be late, if I would remember how to do my job blah bah blah. I needed to get it over with.

The hard part was not necessarily missing Buddy but just not being fully rested. That made everything much worse and amplified me missing him. When you are on maternity leave you can go back to bed as many times as you want. But when you have to go to work, you can only sleep so long. Luckily Buddy’s last feeding is around 4:30 AM which isn’t too much earlier than when I used to get up. But combine losing an hour there and multiple feedings throughout the night, you a very exhausted Carmen. A Carmen who is falling asleep at the wheel on the way home. I was hoping for a coffee iv this week. Do they make them?

One thing I have learned this week is that I cannot do everything. Until he starts sleeping longer or I get used to this being a mombie (mom zombie) thing, I cannot expect as much from myself. I was so stressed out trying to workout, sleep, keep the house clean and make sure I felt like I got enough love in with Buddy. Then I realized I had to cut something so I cut working out. If I have extra time or energy to do so, WONDERFUL. Otherwise it isn’t on my “to do” list and I am not going to make myself feel bad about it if it doesn’t happen. So for the time being I will be eating healthy and enjoying my little man.

As far as missing Buddy, it was hard. I cried a bit when I left him but I found that if I kept busy, it wasn’t so bad. I finally broke down on Friday. That was when I really missed him and cried during work. I think this was a combination of complete exhaustion and being away from him for so long. I kept myself busy and counted down until 4 o’clock.

Now I sit here preparing to face another week of work and I feel better than I did the prior Sunday. I made it through the first week and I can make it through this one.