I am drained & done.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break

I am drained & done.

I called my sister in-law last night and had a breakdown. I am freaking mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if hormones are the reasons I am feeling so crazy (I am guessing they are) but I have never felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in my life.

This mommy needs some chocolate and wine… ASAP

I knew that adjusting to life with a baby and work would be a difficult task, but I wasn’t prepared for just how hard everything is. I am finding myself struggling to get everything done in a day (story of EVERY mom’s life, I know). I can’t work, take care of the house stuff (my husband does help), make/ plan dinner, take care of Buddy, make sure I have enough time with Buddy, make sure my ADHD stepdaughter isn’t destroying my house and is getting enough attention, check her schoolbag/ homework and see all these freaking family members that are apparently mad at me because I never see them anymore.

I cannot do it all. I am not a freaking robot.

I just feel like so many people want and need so many things from me, and I cannot do it all. I know I can’t and I will have to get over it, but everyone else does too.

For example, I cannot be the only one responsible for my stepdaughter. I am not making Valentines or making sure her school bag is packed every day. That is her parents job. Yes, I know I am a step parent but my job is to make sure she is happy and healthy. Her mother needs to step up and actually do this stuff. That is her freaking job. I am not a freaking nanny, and that is how I feel.I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break.

Which is why I quit. I am going to quit doing all of that stuff, along with watching her when my husband is at work. I can’t handle it right now. Things would be different if I didn’t commute 2 hours a day or if she didn’t have so many issues (she has ADHD and is very difficult to deal with because of lack of discipline at her mothers). Bottom line is she is a difficult child and my mental health is more important.

I also have family members that are apparently upset and think I am mad at them because I don’t see or call them as much as I used to. Uhm— I have a baby now. My life is totally different now. Not to mention, my life does NOT revolve around you I apologize. If you want to see me so badly, call me. I will try to answer but if I don’t, there is no need to be pissed off at me. It is ridiculous, do you really think that makes me want to see you more? OH and if you come over, bring food or clean something.

Then money.. ugh. Crap keeps coming up and I feel like I can’t breathe. Being on maternity leave and not having a normal income for 7 weeks sucked. Now we are trying to catch back up with the additional expenses of a baby such as formula, diapers and daycare. I mean I knew it was coming but getting caught back up is really hard and is stressing me out horribly.

I do enough.

I have enough.

I am enough.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break




The Birth Story of Buddy the Elf

The Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth story

From what I hear, births rarely go how we plan.

Actually, almost every birth story I have heard had some type of complication (usually relativity small). The face is as soon as we get pregnant we are no longer in charge of lives or our bodies. That little baby is the one calling all the shots now. I had planned on having Buddy, that is what my mother calls him thanks to the movie Elf, around 40 weeks naturally with drugs. Well, mister baby had other things in mind.

Throughout my entire pregnancy I had eaten pretty healthy because I was terrified of gaining a ton of weight. That stemmed from losing around 65 lbs a few years back and I knew that I did NOT want to go through that torture again. So it was odd when I suddenly started to gain quite a bit of weight every appointment. That was accompanied with rising blood pressure. My doctor kept checking my urine to see if I had spilled any protein but of course I hadn’t.

Then one night I was extremely swollen. I’m talking gross swollen. So gross that my husband didn’t even recognize me. So I went in to the OB department to get checked out. The on call doctor then had me stay home the following two days to do a 24 hour urine sample because I guess you can spill protein at different times. That’s the way I understood it anyways.

Finally around 35 weeks, my doctor finally thought I had preeclampsia.

It took him three weeks later than my family and the other doctor but whatever. So he had me do yet another 24 hour urine sampling and then wanted to do blood work the next morning. Let me tell you what… that is a blast to do when you are super pregnant. Doing it during the day wasn’t bad however doing it at night it sucked. You wake up all the time to go pee anyway and I barely made it to the toiled every time. Then you have to put the hat in the toilet and whatnot. Oh and good luck not getting pee on your hand or on the floor when you attempt to put it in the container. I suppose the pee was preparing me for motherhood. I now get peed on once a day at least!

The following morning, I returned my urine to the lab and got my blood drawn and went on my way to work. Later on that afternoon my doctor called and confirmed  that I indeed had preeclampsia and my platelet count was really low. So he told me to plan on being induced a week from that day (I would have been 36 weeks on the dot) and to follow up with a blood test that Monday and if my platelet count was worse we would do plan b. At this point my main goal was to get through the weekend and through my baby shower.

Speaking of the baby shower, that was awful. It was a nice shower, I just started feeling really bad at this point. Not only was I dealing with normal pregnancy crap but I had a horrible headache accomplanied with being hugely swollen and not being able to pee. I just kept telling myself to get through the shower then I could go to the OB department and get checked out again because my blood pressure was like 160/101 or something.

Eventually my husband took me to the hospital and they did a non stress test on me. That nurse was HORRIBLE! The entire time she was a bitch about me getting induced so early. She kept telling me all the horrible things that could happen to my baby and that I need to keep him in there  longer. I looked at her and was like, “Lady, you do realize I am not the one making this call. My DOCTOR decided this. Go back to doing your nurse job.” ** She told me to go home and relax.  So homeward we went.

I had a feeling that I would end up having Buddy on Monday. Mothers instinct if you will.

So I made sure I had my bag packed an that I went in there early. I figured if they decided they wanted to do something I would rather them do it early in the morning. So I went in around 8 am or so, got my blood drawn and went to my mom’s house. (We live an hour away so I wanted to wait to hear from the doctor before driving all the way back home.) Around an hour later my doctor told me to come back to the hospital because my platelets were super low and I was going to have a baby. I called my husband and my mom and to the hospital I went!

After being admitted and being monitored my doctor decided it would be best for me to have a c-section. Buddy’s heart rate was bouncing between 160-180 BPM and my blood pressure was super high. They were concerned that I would labor for a long time, since it was my first child, and I would end up having an emergency one anyways. That was a terrifying thought. I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for a c-section. I hadn’t even prepared myself for really having a baby.

Then at 11:57 am I was a mommy to a beautiful 5lb 15.8oz little man.

Everything was pretty typical post c-section,The Birth of Buddy the Elf and if you have had one before you know how bad it sucks, until the day before we were supposed to go home. I started having 20 minute long shaking episodes randomly that were accompanied with my blood pressure spiking and a fever. That was more painful than getting out of bed. I mean I was shaking uncontrollably. It was awful. The nurses had no idea what was going on and neither did my doctor.

After a bunch of tests they decided it was a mix of a possible tiny infection, not getting my medicine on time and an allergic reaction to something. I personally blame it on the crappy nurse from earlier. It all started during her shift. I had to keep reminding her that it was time for my medicine and then she would forget about it. By that time I was already shaking. Once I was given my pain medicine on a regular basis again, the shaking fits stopped and I was released the next day.

So that is how my little guy came into the world. It went different than I had planned but he is here and I couldn’t be happier.

Did your birth go as planned, I would love to hear your birth story! If you had a c-section, how long did it take you to heal? Let me know in the comments!

** I just wanted to put a little disclaimer in here.. I loved all of my other nurses. They were truly wonderful and made the rest of my experience awesome. Most nurses are amazing and I cannot imagine doing their jobs.


The Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth storyThe Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth story