I am drained & done.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break

I am drained & done.

I called my sister in-law last night and had a breakdown. I am freaking mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if hormones are the reasons I am feeling so crazy (I am guessing they are) but I have never felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in my life.

This mommy needs some chocolate and wine… ASAP

I knew that adjusting to life with a baby and work would be a difficult task, but I wasn’t prepared for just how hard everything is. I am finding myself struggling to get everything done in a day (story of EVERY mom’s life, I know). I can’t work, take care of the house stuff (my husband does help), make/ plan dinner, take care of Buddy, make sure I have enough time with Buddy, make sure my ADHD stepdaughter isn’t destroying my house and is getting enough attention, check her schoolbag/ homework and see all these freaking family members that are apparently mad at me because I never see them anymore.

I cannot do it all. I am not a freaking robot.

I just feel like so many people want and need so many things from me, and I cannot do it all. I know I can’t and I will have to get over it, but everyone else does too.

For example, I cannot be the only one responsible for my stepdaughter. I am not making Valentines or making sure her school bag is packed every day. That is her parents job. Yes, I know I am a step parent but my job is to make sure she is happy and healthy. Her mother needs to step up and actually do this stuff. That is her freaking job. I am not a freaking nanny, and that is how I feel.I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break.

Which is why I quit. I am going to quit doing all of that stuff, along with watching her when my husband is at work. I can’t handle it right now. Things would be different if I didn’t commute 2 hours a day or if she didn’t have so many issues (she has ADHD and is very difficult to deal with because of lack of discipline at her mothers). Bottom line is she is a difficult child and my mental health is more important.

I also have family members that are apparently upset and think I am mad at them because I don’t see or call them as much as I used to. Uhm— I have a baby now. My life is totally different now. Not to mention, my life does NOT revolve around you I apologize. If you want to see me so badly, call me. I will try to answer but if I don’t, there is no need to be pissed off at me. It is ridiculous, do you really think that makes me want to see you more? OH and if you come over, bring food or clean something.

Then money.. ugh. Crap keeps coming up and I feel like I can’t breathe. Being on maternity leave and not having a normal income for 7 weeks sucked. Now we are trying to catch back up with the additional expenses of a baby such as formula, diapers and daycare. I mean I knew it was coming but getting caught back up is really hard and is stressing me out horribly.

I do enough.

I have enough.

I am enough.

I am drained & done- I literally cannot handle anything else right now, so please give me a break




The First Week After Maternity Leave

My little guy!

Well I have made it through an entire week of work. I don’t know how I did it but I survived. And let me tell you, it has been one of the longest weeks I have ever gone through.

I ended up being more ready for work than I thought I was and enjoyed the break. By the end of my leave I was so bored. I needed to be back around adults. I mean, conversations with a baby are a bit one sided.  I was also having issues with my anxiety. I was freaking out about how my first day back would go, if I would be late, if I would remember how to do my job blah bah blah. I needed to get it over with.

The hard part was not necessarily missing Buddy but just not being fully rested. That made everything much worse and amplified me missing him. When you are on maternity leave you can go back to bed as many times as you want. But when you have to go to work, you can only sleep so long. Luckily Buddy’s last feeding is around 4:30 AM which isn’t too much earlier than when I used to get up. But combine losing an hour there and multiple feedings throughout the night, you a very exhausted Carmen. A Carmen who is falling asleep at the wheel on the way home. I was hoping for a coffee iv this week. Do they make them?

One thing I have learned this week is that I cannot do everything. Until he starts sleeping longer or I get used to this being a mombie (mom zombie) thing, I cannot expect as much from myself. I was so stressed out trying to workout, sleep, keep the house clean and make sure I felt like I got enough love in with Buddy. Then I realized I had to cut something so I cut working out. If I have extra time or energy to do so, WONDERFUL. Otherwise it isn’t on my “to do” list and I am not going to make myself feel bad about it if it doesn’t happen. So for the time being I will be eating healthy and enjoying my little man.

As far as missing Buddy, it was hard. I cried a bit when I left him but I found that if I kept busy, it wasn’t so bad. I finally broke down on Friday. That was when I really missed him and cried during work. I think this was a combination of complete exhaustion and being away from him for so long. I kept myself busy and counted down until 4 o’clock.

Now I sit here preparing to face another week of work and I feel better than I did the prior Sunday. I made it through the first week and I can make it through this one.




Buddy- One Month Update

One Month Update

I am a few weeks late on this but I cannot believe Buddy is already a month old! He has already brought so much joy to my life, I can’t imagine how I lived my life without him.

I figured I would do monthly updates for his first year so hopefully that is okay with you guys:)

Quick Updates-Buddy One Month Update

  • Buddy weighs around 8.5 lbs right now, so he has grown quite a bit from his original birth weight of 5 lbs 15.8oz.
  • He is much more alert now, his main awake time is from 5 am to 7 am (AKA mommy cuddle time)
  • He wakes up to eat every 2.5 to 3.5 hours (He can go longer anytime he wants, momma is ready!)
  • He has less wrinkles in his forehead and is filling out quite nicely
  • We swtiched him to formula (I will do another post on that and link it)
  • He enjoys these bottles
  • He is running out of room in his newborn clothes and will have to go to 0-3 soon
  • He is not smiling on demand yet, but he does have the cutest smile
  • His cold is finally gone!
  • It seems that he has blocked tear ducts as his eyes are watery and crusty when he wakes up. I am making sure I massage the ducts every time he gets changed.
  • He LOVES his swing, it is the only way I get any sleep. BLESS IT!

That is about it! He is growing like a week and is loved by a ton of people!

** Contains affiliate links which means that at no extra cost to you, you are supporting Mommy Against Mondays. Please see policies page for more information.

Cupcakes & Memories

Cupcakes and Memories Pinterest- A easy and fun activity idea to do with kids.

Cupcakes and Memories Pinterest- A easy and fun activity idea to do with kids.
Here in Iowa there isn’t a whole lot to do in the winter, especially in our town (see more here), so we decided to make cupcakes.

We actually purchased all of the products a few weeks back when my sister-in-law and her family visited. We had full intentions of making cupcakes with all of the kids but we lost track of time as we usually do. They ended up running around the house causing havoc like most two, five and six year olds do.
Cupcakes and Memories Pinterest- A easy and fun activity idea to do with kids.

This ended up being the most fun we have had in awhile. We have been way too busy between Troy working, the new baby and holidays to do anything extra. It seems like all I have been doing is housework and taking care of Buddy until Troy comes home. Then it is time for dinner, dishes, working out, bath time and then bed. Next thing I know, it starts over again. I know it will only get worse when I go back to work in a few weeks. In fact I have no idea how I am going to get everything done. Adjusting is always hard, at least that is what I have read from a lot of other mommy blogs.

My step-daughter, Haven, was so excited to make the cupcakes. It was literally something that took five minutes to set up, twenty minutes to bake and then five minutes to decorate. Nothing that took any time, nor much money. But to her, it was the best part of her week. She got individual attention which is something she hasn’t gotten much of from Troy & I lately and she got to eat cupcakes. What kid wouldn’t love that?

Making these cupcakesCupcakes and Memories Pinterest- A easy and fun activity idea to do with kids. was something that I think she will remember. It is funny how something so small in my life can be so very big in hers. It reminded me that I need to take more time to be there. More time to do things with her. I need to try harder. Regardless of how small it seems to me, it will be a memory for her.

Ingredients required to make a memory:

Cupcake Mix. Frosting with sprinkles. Cupcake pan ( a really good one btw!).

That is it.

What are some things you like to do with your kids?

** Contains affiliate links which means that at no extra cost to you, you are supporting Mommy Against Mondays. Please see policies page for more information.

Cupcakes and Memories Pinterest- A easy and fun activity idea to do with kids.

Top 8 Reasons Why I Hated Being Pregnant

Top 8 Reasons Why I Hated Being Pregnant

I hated being pregnant.

I couldn’t stand it. Now don’t get me wrong,  I am so very blessed that I was able to conceive and carry a child, I get that. I enjoyed the kicks and the thought that I was creating a life. A life that was half the person I love and myself. But still hated being pregnant. I never understood the women who say that they just love being pregnant. I mean, I didn’t even have morning sickness and I couldn’t stand it. Those women must be magical unicorns.

 Here are my reasons:

  1. No wine. Do I really need to explain more? But really, not being able to come home and have a glass of wine sucked. It was even worse in my case because I quit smoking, drinking and had to come off my anxiety pills (the “safe kind” made me super sick) all at the same time. This made dealing with stress really hard so I especially wished I could have had my wine.
  2. I was crazy. HormTop 8 Reasons Why I Hated Being Pregnantones come with the territory obviously but no one tells you how out of control you feel. I felt like I wasn’t in my body. There were days where I would be in a great mood, until I pulled into town then I would be super pissed. I couldn’t even tell my husband why I wanted to kill him. I hated feeling like that. Hated feeling out of control with my emotions. Not to mention not being able to have any caffeine (I couldn’t stand coffee), not being on anxiety medication and lack of tobacco didn’t make me a pleasant person.
  3. Everyone cares. I hated all the extra attention while pregnant. Before being pregnant, no one asks how you are or how you are feeling. But when you get pregnant, everyone suddenly cares about you. Every day I had a million people ask me how I was feeling (which at a certain point you can just glare at those people), how the baby is, what is new blah blah blah. I mean it was all because they cared I guess but it is like people become obsessed with you just because you are pregnant.
  4. People want to touch you. I have a few tendencies of Aspergers, one of them hating to be touched. It makes me uncomfortable. But when you are pregnant there are a lot of people, mainly older women, that want to touch your belly. I wish I was the type of person that was able to tell them to stop, but I just gritted my teeth through it.
  5. Heartburn. Oh my did I have heartburn. I would puke up acid it was so bad. I do not miss that at all. Everything under the moon gave me heartburn, even milk. & my kid came out with hardly any hair! These are what saved me http://amzn.to/2jEOQil, I literally ate them like candy most of the time.
  6. Getting fat. In all fairness most of mine was due to my medical issue (read more about that here) . But it was still super hard to see my body change and not have any control over it. Again, I know this is something that happens when you get pregnant but I had a really hard time with it. I believe it is because I was once really heavy and I had lost so much weight. Even though I knew it was because I was pregnant, there was something in me that was internally panicking about getting back to where I was.
  7. Food aversions/ cravings. Back to not being in control over my body ( See number 1). I couldn’t stand my normal healthy food anymore and all I wanted was junk food. I blamed Troy for that the entire pregnancy. I even hated coffee!
  8. All the other body changes.  You know what I mean. The other horrible things that happen such as: acne, hot flashes, peeing all the time (at the end), skin tags, swelling and whatever else happened that I tried to block out of my mind. None of it is fun.

The only good thing that came out of this was my little bug. Don’t get me wrong, I am so in love with my little guy & I would totally go through all that again. But I still hated being pregnant and that is okay.

Were you a magic unicorn that enjoyed being pregnant or were you like me? What was your favorite part?

** Contains affiliate links which means that at no extra cost to you, you are supporting Mommy Against Mondays. Please see policies page for more information.

Top 8 Reasons Why I Hated Being Pregnant

Losing Weight After Baby

Operation Hot Momma- Diary of getting back to my pre-baby bod

Operation Hot Momma #1- Diary of Getting My Pre-Baby Bod Back

So the time has come for me to start losing weight or as we will call it “Operation Hot Momma”. While pregnant, I feel like I did a pretty good job at eating healthy. I ate pretty much the same as I did prior to conceiving except I cheated a bit more. I was always so terrified of gaining too much because I knew I would have to lose it all again.

When I get into a health kick, I am super strict. That means when people bring in food at work, I stay away. There is no “Oh one cookie won’t kill you!”, because I know one will turn into two and two will turn into a big mess of cheating. One thing I do have is willpower with food. I can say no easily.

Now that I am six weeks postpartum, I have started working out again. & oh my lanta! I am so out of shape! I used to do crossfit type stuff before being pregnant and I was in good shape. But then I failed and stopped going the gym during pregnancy. I mean do you blame me? You are exhausted, the last thing you want to do is workout. I started off a bit heavier than I like to be because I started slacking, which means a bit more to lose. No more excuses. Time to kick ass.

Lets talk numbers:Operation Hot Momma- Diary of getting back to my pre-baby bod.

*My lowest weight was 175ish, this is when I was working out like crazy and eating perfect.

*My pre-pregnancy weight was 200, higher than I like to be.

*I am 214 now, so only 14 to get to pre-pregnancy weight.

*My goal is 185 or so. I still look and feel good about myself at that weight and it is more manageable than 175. I want to be able to have somewhat of a life. If I get to 185 I would be thrilled.

Working Out Sucks

As I said earlier, I do pretty well with eating healthy. The place where I struggle is working out. I find myself losing motivation and making excuses. & from what I have learned, once you don’t do it one night, it is much easier to not do it the following night too. Then you get out of the swing of things and things just go south. Luckily my husband is on board and he is even more motivated than me (that is the Marine in him). I am more motivated to do it if someone is going to hold me accountable.

Our close friend is letting us borrow P90X. He did it and he went from flab to having built arms and a six pack. I still can’t believe how different he looks but after doing 2 workouts, I see how it happened. Let me tell you, that crap will kick your ass. It is insane, I can barely walk today. That is something I personally need from a workout. I need to know that I did some serious work the day before. I need to be able to tell that I have done work. If you are interested in trying it, you can get it here: http://amzn.to/2jF3C8M. I highly suggest it if you want to get quick results.

We also bought a Bowflex type home gym thing off of a buy sale trade website and we get it tonight. I CANNOT wait to use it! Part of the reason I stopped working out before I got pregnant is because I had no time to go to the gym. I have to get up at 5 in the morning anyways to make it to work and it is hard to fit it in at night. Especially when you have an hour commute and go to bed super early. Now with a new baby I have even less time so this will be awesome, again no excuses!

My mom added me to a Live Healthy Iowa challenge that starts next week so that should help keep me accountable too. I get a shirt too, which is a plus!

I will be posting some of the healthy meals I make in separate posts to share with you guys. My tip is to always have healthy snacks available. You will be more apt to eat healthy if it is quick. I also will try to do weekly updates that include some of the stuff I have eaten, struggles, new pictures and my weight.

Let me know if you are on the road to a better looking “Mom Bod”. I would love to hear what you are doing and what your goals are!

How I am getting into shape after baby!

** Contains affiliate links which means that at no extra cost to you, you are supporting Mommy Against Mondays. Please see policies page for more information.


Operation Hot Momma- Diary of getting back to my pre-baby bod.

Maternity Leave Blues- Going Back to Work Sucks

Maternity Leave Blues

Leaving isn’t easy.

As my maternity and time with my little one draws to a close I am finding it harder and harder to be happy. Friends and family tell me to “enjoy the time I have left” and to not think about the fact that in two short sweet weeks I have to go back to work. I have to go back to mornings without cuddles (one of our favorite morning activities, see picture from this mornings session). Days without changing a dirty diaper and getting peed on. Afternoons without petting his silky baby hair. A whole day without my baby.

Maternity Leave Blues- The truth about going back to work.Luckily I got to take eight weeks off with him but that still doesn’t seem like enough. I mean, I carried my child for 36 weeks and now I am supposed to only see  him for a few hours at night? It is like a part of me is going to be left behind. Maternity leave in America sucks ass.

Some could argue that I decided to have a child and I should have thought about that prior to having him. That I should have waited until our finances were in order before having him. You know there are those assholes out there that will say that. Most of those people don’t have children, but that is besides the point. In response, I didn’t know I would feel that way. I had no idea what this love was like. Unless you have had a child, you have no idea what this feels like and I do not think you can fully prepare yourself for leaving them. Even if I did know, why should I wait years and years?

I have spent hours trying to figure out what bills I could cut, what we could live without in order for me to stay home. My husband even said he would get another job ( which is ridiculous, but you can tell he loves me). Ways I can earn some extra money in order to get some more cuddles in. The fact is that I can’t cut back any of the bills, apparently we need heat and shelter. I can’t make enough to offset what we would lose. We cannot live on one income. I have to go back to work.

I know millions of mothers do it every year and I will be fine. There are a few things that make me feel a little better about going back. I know he will be in good hands and he will be loved all day & in reality, he doesn’t care if I am there or not. He is a baby. The only person that this will bother is me. The thing that is helping the most is what my mother said,

“By you going back to work, you are

giving him a better life. You are making

sure he will have everything he needs.

You are being a good strong roll model.

You are being a good mother.”

So for the next two weeks I will be enjoying the last days of morning cuddles, being spit up and peed on all day and the sweet baby smell. Because I have to go back to cubicles & slacks.

How long did you take off work? Do you feel like you got enough time?

Maternity Leave Blues- The struggle of going back to work.

The Birth Story of Buddy the Elf

The Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth story

From what I hear, births rarely go how we plan.

Actually, almost every birth story I have heard had some type of complication (usually relativity small). The face is as soon as we get pregnant we are no longer in charge of lives or our bodies. That little baby is the one calling all the shots now. I had planned on having Buddy, that is what my mother calls him thanks to the movie Elf, around 40 weeks naturally with drugs. Well, mister baby had other things in mind.

Throughout my entire pregnancy I had eaten pretty healthy because I was terrified of gaining a ton of weight. That stemmed from losing around 65 lbs a few years back and I knew that I did NOT want to go through that torture again. So it was odd when I suddenly started to gain quite a bit of weight every appointment. That was accompanied with rising blood pressure. My doctor kept checking my urine to see if I had spilled any protein but of course I hadn’t.

Then one night I was extremely swollen. I’m talking gross swollen. So gross that my husband didn’t even recognize me. So I went in to the OB department to get checked out. The on call doctor then had me stay home the following two days to do a 24 hour urine sample because I guess you can spill protein at different times. That’s the way I understood it anyways.

Finally around 35 weeks, my doctor finally thought I had preeclampsia.

It took him three weeks later than my family and the other doctor but whatever. So he had me do yet another 24 hour urine sampling and then wanted to do blood work the next morning. Let me tell you what… that is a blast to do when you are super pregnant. Doing it during the day wasn’t bad however doing it at night it sucked. You wake up all the time to go pee anyway and I barely made it to the toiled every time. Then you have to put the hat in the toilet and whatnot. Oh and good luck not getting pee on your hand or on the floor when you attempt to put it in the container. I suppose the pee was preparing me for motherhood. I now get peed on once a day at least!

The following morning, I returned my urine to the lab and got my blood drawn and went on my way to work. Later on that afternoon my doctor called and confirmed  that I indeed had preeclampsia and my platelet count was really low. So he told me to plan on being induced a week from that day (I would have been 36 weeks on the dot) and to follow up with a blood test that Monday and if my platelet count was worse we would do plan b. At this point my main goal was to get through the weekend and through my baby shower.

Speaking of the baby shower, that was awful. It was a nice shower, I just started feeling really bad at this point. Not only was I dealing with normal pregnancy crap but I had a horrible headache accomplanied with being hugely swollen and not being able to pee. I just kept telling myself to get through the shower then I could go to the OB department and get checked out again because my blood pressure was like 160/101 or something.

Eventually my husband took me to the hospital and they did a non stress test on me. That nurse was HORRIBLE! The entire time she was a bitch about me getting induced so early. She kept telling me all the horrible things that could happen to my baby and that I need to keep him in there  longer. I looked at her and was like, “Lady, you do realize I am not the one making this call. My DOCTOR decided this. Go back to doing your nurse job.” ** She told me to go home and relax.  So homeward we went.

I had a feeling that I would end up having Buddy on Monday. Mothers instinct if you will.

So I made sure I had my bag packed an that I went in there early. I figured if they decided they wanted to do something I would rather them do it early in the morning. So I went in around 8 am or so, got my blood drawn and went to my mom’s house. (We live an hour away so I wanted to wait to hear from the doctor before driving all the way back home.) Around an hour later my doctor told me to come back to the hospital because my platelets were super low and I was going to have a baby. I called my husband and my mom and to the hospital I went!

After being admitted and being monitored my doctor decided it would be best for me to have a c-section. Buddy’s heart rate was bouncing between 160-180 BPM and my blood pressure was super high. They were concerned that I would labor for a long time, since it was my first child, and I would end up having an emergency one anyways. That was a terrifying thought. I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for a c-section. I hadn’t even prepared myself for really having a baby.

Then at 11:57 am I was a mommy to a beautiful 5lb 15.8oz little man.

Everything was pretty typical post c-section,The Birth of Buddy the Elf and if you have had one before you know how bad it sucks, until the day before we were supposed to go home. I started having 20 minute long shaking episodes randomly that were accompanied with my blood pressure spiking and a fever. That was more painful than getting out of bed. I mean I was shaking uncontrollably. It was awful. The nurses had no idea what was going on and neither did my doctor.

After a bunch of tests they decided it was a mix of a possible tiny infection, not getting my medicine on time and an allergic reaction to something. I personally blame it on the crappy nurse from earlier. It all started during her shift. I had to keep reminding her that it was time for my medicine and then she would forget about it. By that time I was already shaking. Once I was given my pain medicine on a regular basis again, the shaking fits stopped and I was released the next day.

So that is how my little guy came into the world. It went different than I had planned but he is here and I couldn’t be happier.

Did your birth go as planned, I would love to hear your birth story! If you had a c-section, how long did it take you to heal? Let me know in the comments!

** I just wanted to put a little disclaimer in here.. I loved all of my other nurses. They were truly wonderful and made the rest of my experience awesome. Most nurses are amazing and I cannot imagine doing their jobs.


The Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth storyThe Birth of Buddy the Elf- A birth story